losing virginity 4,326 times...

I dreamed I lost my virginity 4,326 times . But # 657 was by far the best .

jonah and the snake

I dreamed I got swallowed by a snake . He happened to be a Mormon snake , however ; so I told him my name was Joseph Smith . Then I told him he was forgive for shitting me all over the place .

monster baptism...

Last night I dreamed I was baptized by a monster . And he held me under the water until I drowned .

dinosaur king...

I dreamed that I was king of the dinosaurs . So I taught them English and how to make weapons from cast iron . How to throw a snowball and smoke dope and other such things . Right until I got locked up .

lost my shit

I dreamed that I had a crap on the side of a road . Then a fox came and took it away .

the ocean was sand...

I dreamed that the ocean was sand . But everyone could swim in it anyway . They thought it was a miracle...right until it swallowed them into another dimension . Each one to a dimension that perpetuated their biggest fears .  

the penguin of wisdom

I dreamed that the penguin of wisdom came to me and said : " i did not know that ; and I still don't " . Then he clipped my toe nails .  

fiddles

I dreamed that all humans were born playing fiddles . And kangaroos would dance around us and sing as we would break them over each others heads for good luck .

the frogs

I dreamed that frogs took over the world . And within a year the environment was cleaned up and everyone was working . Of course , the humans would not stand for all this abuse .

hockey night in canada...

I dreamed there was a stallion coming right at my through the forest . As he got closer , I realized that he had wheels for legs . And he kept on cursing...something about lack of integrity in professional sports .

mr. penis...

I dreamed that Mr. Penis read me a bedtime story . It was called : " Give Mr. Penis a Hand " .

Pegasus...

I dreamed that the mythological horse , Pegasus flew through my bedroom window...and went directly to my kitchen and ate all my fucking apples . Stupid mythological critter .  

heaven and my spaniel...

I dreamed that my spaniel grew wings...and flew past Heaven and all the riches of the universe right to the dog food store .

outlawed masturbation

I dreamed that masturbation was outlawed on this planet . Three months later it was announced that we now have the ability to travel anywhere in the universe .

hank williams

I dreamed that I died and went to Heaven . There was an angel there to meet me . He said : " why in the fuck should we let you in ??? " . I told him that I had a copy of everything Hank Williams ever released . He replied : " right this way , sir ". 

moon babies...

I dreamed that the moon was made out of purple sperm . And every lady on planet earth , took off their clothes and thrusted themselves upon it .

They made moon babies . 

fuck-eyes , the cook

I dreamed that there was this fellow who made the best food in the world . But what he did was to hire this idiot with no arms to serve it to people. He didn't care about the money ; he just loved seeing people helpless and  pissed off .

batman as god...

I dreamed I went to Heaven , and Batman was God . He said he got to be God by playing crazy eights , and that he was a little bit nervous of what would happen to him once they found out he cheated . 

fuck off

I dreamed that an alien space craft landed in the middle of central park . An alien got out of the ship and said , and I quote : FUCK OFF . Then he got back in his space ship and flew away .

turtle soup...

Last night I dreamed that the moon fell out of the sky . It was replaced by talking turtles , who spent all their time telling us of impending doom . We eventually made them into the largest pot of turtle soup in the universe .

the moon and green cheese

Last night I dreamed that my cat flew into the moon and broke its neck . Then suddenly a voice screamed out that said : "that's what you get for eating my fucking green cheese" .

the universe / mother mcfillacuty

I dreamed that the universe was shoved up the vagina of  Mother Mcfillacuty...and nobody gave a shit .

fixed economy

I dreamed that the world was being taken over by giant kangaroos . And within the first week , the economy was back on track .  

drinking the ocean...

I dreamed that I drank the entire ocean , and I coughed up sand for a week .

sick-o aliens

I dreamed that the universe was invaded by a bunch of inbred hicks from a distant amusement park . They promised us free rides if we would perform sexual favors on their pigs . I just held up my Bible and said : " back Belzabob" ...and called the local Pentecostal Church for advice . They told me to send them some money . 

eating muffin...

I dreamed that I ate one twentieth of a muffin .But the muffin police quoted me a passage in the muffin bible that stated rather clearly that eating a tiny bit of muffin...was like eating all the muffin in the universe .

oral sex and aliens

I dreamed that aliens invaded earth , and all that they wanted to do was perform oral sex on all the males of our "species" . At the end , it turned out that all the women were bribing them .

virgin pony...

I dreamed that the slut donkeys were condemning the virgin pony's for having too much sex . 

slut donkey

I dreamed I gave birth to a Slut Donkey , and the Cabbage Kangaroos got very upset . I asked them why , but they did not know .

pissing on eggs

I dreamed that I had a restaurant ; and every time someone would order eggs...I would piss on them . Eventually , everyone in  the universe wanted my eggs . But God was very upset .

alien invasion

I dreamed that we were invaded by aliens . All they wanted was the complete Bay City Rollers catalog , but because it was out of print , they blew up our planet .

Never saw that one coming .

spanish beach

I dreamed that I called my dog on a Spanish beach . She flew across the sand , and I told her how difficult that made it to see her paw prints .

orgasmic dinosaur

I dreamed I was a dinosaur . And every time I growled I had an orgasm . Eventually all the other dinosaur's left me alone because I was growling too much .

skinny dipping in hell...

I dreamed that I went to Hell and got in trouble for skinny dipping in the Lake of Fire .

wheaten terrior...

I dreamed I was a Wheaten Terrier . I gave birth to God , but something seemed wrong .  

the dragon !!!

I dreamed that a dragon came out of the bawls of the earth . People were running in terror . That is , right until the time he farted and giggled like a little girl . This infused the villagers with courage , and they cut his nuts off and fed them to the village bull terriers .